The Pros And Cons Of Life And Death
by jessnorman567
Summary: Troye Sivan has made a huge decision and the affects for his family his two best friends and ultimately himself are not the most positive thing in the world Trigger Warning Mentions of suicide self harm and minor swearing


It was announced by the teacher in the third period class that day.

Troye Sivan had attempted to kill himself, was in a coma and was unlikely to make it. It was silent, most people had looks of shock on their faces others, like Tyler Oakley and Dan Howell, were trying not to openly cry.

School was dismissed early that day. No one could focus or work. Troye was a genuinely amazing and eminent person. Always trying to make people feel they best they could no matter how down they were. But he was always oblivious to the affect he had on people. When he thought no one was looking he was completely different. He looked down, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

After they got off the bus, Dan and Tyler headed straight for Troye's house. His older Phil opened the door and collapsed sobbing onto them. They walked into the living room and talked about Troye.

"He was my first friend at school."

"He was always so kind and caring and full of life!"

"Why would he do this to us" the thing that was said that brought the blanket of dismal silence.

Phil whispered "The last thing I said to him last night was: 'get your stupid ass out of my room. I cut him off when he was just trying to say goodbye." tears dripped down faces as Phil's dad came down stairs and dropped into the couch opposite the three boys.

"What do we do now?" The silence like a cancer spread suffocating and crushing dragging the world around it down until only two figures were left standing in a park.

"Troye?" The hooded figure asked

"Not now" the boy replied the weight of what he had done threatened to batter him into nothingness.

"Do you see what this has done to your family. Your friends? This is what is happening in the world right now, you are only an observer unable to change anything.. yet. For this is only one timeline things can change." the boy looked pensive for a moment before his features hardened.

"They'll get over it they can live without me they did it with David, my Papa." there was a soft wind carrying the sent of eucalyptus and home baked cookies that ran through the space and seemed to stop in front of Troye before dissipating. He sighed and the figure guided him to another point in the room.

"What's your name? Troye asked. The figure sighed and moved it's hood slightly to reveal part of her face. "You can call me Nephie. Do you want to continue?" Troye paused before slightly nodding his head. "We are here going to follow the path of your friend Tyler Lester, let's see how he deals with the loss of you" around them the park melted out of sight replaced by the outside of Tyler's house. "After you" gestured Nephie.

Tyler was sprawled on his bed his laptop on his stomach scrolling through Tumblr, a social network he was addicted to. He seemed quite pensive, looking at him from the foot of the bed. Tyler breathed in deeply as he heard his mother calling up the stairs. He removed his glasses rubbing his eyes trying to remove any evidence of crying. Standing up he straightened his clothes replaced his glasses and went down the stairs.

"Ty honey" his mum said collecting him in her arms "oh I know it's been so hard for you these last few days" Tyler nodded his head down "Troye was a wonderful boy, but it just proves we don't all know what's going on behind a persons facade."

"That's the thing mama, I feel like I should have know something was up. Neither Dan or I had any clue! And it's killing me we couldn't help him." A tear escaped his eye and his knees buckled and he fell into his mum sobbing uncontrollably.

"Oh Ty, my poor baby" she walked him to the couch in the living room. "I wish there was something we could do."

Tyler headed to school the next day, Dan met him at the gate.

"Hi" Dan waved his face struggling to show happiness.

"Dan, we don't have to pretend to be happy with each other at this time" Tyler shrugged Dan smiled a little but his face showed gratitude. They hugged struggling not to cry they headed into the school. A somber attitude filled the school that day. Teachers taught with little enthusiasm students seemed almost dead. The bullies who had teased Troye for being so happy and enthusiastic were sitting in silence, the reality of how they had helped this beautiful soul end his life crushing any movement of malice, or any real movement at all."

At the end of the day, Dan and Tyler headed to the local park and sat on the swings rocking slowly with their feet.

"Did we do something wrong?" Tyler asked

Dan sighed "I don't know Ty." He shook his head face contouring as he tried to think "I don't fucking know and it's killing me. I bloody hope not, we tried to be the best we could, he just didn't want us to see anything was wrong." They sat in silence swinging slowly until they faded out and Troye and Nephie reappeared the park looking a little more grey and dead.

Troye sat in the swing that Dan had just disappeared from.

"What if I didn't decide?" He questioned swinging from the balls of his feet to the heels.

"You would be stuck here for ever, have you noticed how this place has changed since the last time? The same thing will happen to you. You will become less and less like yourself slowly going insane until your soul is blank and you'll stay here floating as nothing through nothing for infinite eternity." There was silence.

"Show me more" Troye stated.

"Who do you want to see?" Nephie murmured

"Dan" and the park shattered like glass before reappearing as Dan's house.

A barking came from inside the door as Dan walked up the steps, a giant black German Shepherd jumped up to Dan's chest as he walked into the hallway.

"Down Sirius get down!" Dan said a ghost of a smile on his face. "Mum? Dad? Anyone home?" His younger brother Adrian padded out of the next room yawning "ok no need to shout I'm home. Mum and Dad went out to dinner with some friends. They (yawn) won't be home till around 11 they said" Dan nodded and headed up to his room and Adrian walked back into his.

Dan sat at his desk staring at a photo on his wall. It was of him Troye and Tyler arms slung around each other laughing after finishing school last year. He took a deep shaky breath before moving over to his bed and lying face down.

"Why did it have to be you Troye? In all honesty I'm the one who should have gone. The emo kid that people thought was weird and gay and threw rocks at, until you and Tyler talked to me that one time. I spend half my life questioning my existence and why any of us are here, and let me tell you that doesn't help my mental state." He almost chuckled then sighed "the other half is spent on school and you guys." He stated his body shaking slightly "you didn't deserve to die. You were the kindest nicest most incredible person out of all of us, honestly I miss you so much. Without you I'm sinking deeper and deeper into my existential crisis' and one day I don't know if I'll be able drag my self out. Just one miracle is all I'm asking for, please Troye don't be dead." He broke down sobbing and the room faded.

The park looked so much worse than the last time, the trees were all dead dark and looming looking liable to fall at a breath of wind the grass was grey and crunched under foot looking like ash as he lifted his foot. If this was eternity Troye sure didn't want it.

"Nephie! Where are you?" He called out.

But only the silence answered and his voice echoed in the almost dead space. "No, don't leave me now. I still haven't made up my bloody mind yet." He wandered around the park surveying the change before settling down into one of the rusting swings. He could feel his mind starting to drift, The affect Nephie had mentioned starting to take affect. Time seemed to drag and his thoughts became more and more muddled until finally Nephie's silhouette appeared on the horizon, she staley made her way down to the park.

"How do you feel Troye?" She queried he scoffed

"You just showed me the worst possible thing, the affect this is having on my two best friends. How the bloody hell do you think I'm feeling" he stood starting to pace aimlessly in anger. "Why is there any point to this? Why didn't you just let me die or waste away here in peace." Tears were flowing freely down his face but Nephie just sighed and stated "We have one last stop before you have to make your decision." She touched his shoulder and the grim park melted and reformed into a very familiar setting.

Phil was sitting in the lounge T.V blaring. Some kind of trashy reality show was on the screen but Phil wasn't paying attention, it was just on as a distraction from the silence that filled the house. In his hands he held a book. A book that Troye had left him on his last day. It was filled with pictures and notes about their lives together and how he had helped Troye through his silent struggle but ultimately it wasn't enough. Phil was just staring at a picture of them as toddlers arms around each other and all giggles, he sighed heavily fought back tears and stood up suddenly throwing the book at the wall and sinking to his knees collapsing in sobs.

"Why Troye? Why did you do this?" He screamed "I love you, Dad loves you. We...we need you back little buddy. I know I wasn't always the best and was quite possibly one of the worst brothers around and we annoyed the hell out of each other at times but for all the times I cursed your existence I never thought you not being here would be this painful. I...I'm sorry I just need my little brother back."

The last few whispers nearly broke Troye who was kneeling beside his brother consoling him as best he could even if he wasn't technically there. The tears were obvious on both brothers faces. Both hearts shattered beyond repair.

"Phil!" Came a rough voice from the next room, Phil sighed picked up the book setting it on the couch and slouched into the kitchen. Troye not far behind.

"I know this is incredibly horribly unbearably painful for us both" their dad stated rubbing his face in his palms "it's in no way fair and we've lost our little light." His shoulders began shaking and Phil took the chair next to him, wrapping his arms around his dads shaking shoulders.

"Troye was an inspiration and proof that people certainly can hide their struggles, After Papa was killed in that accident. I know we both clung to Troye, his innocence and kind words giving us a little bit of solace in that horrible time. And I don't think we ever really let him go. We probably dragged him down, dumping our sorrows onto him not thinking that he was grieving too." A somber silence swept its way into the room soaking up the depressing atmosphere and magnifying it so it was almost crushing. Even Troye felt it. A sigh, shifting and both men in the kitchen with their faces in each other's shoulders sobbing their grief into the world.

After a while Phil moved and made for the cupboard pulling a clear bottle from within and two glasses of eye watering liquid were raised.

"To Papa and Troye." And the liquid was downed.

"Dad hasn't drunk since Papa died." Troye sniffled as the dead work faded back into existence. The area was one of despair, no life or trace of anything to be seen. Just a dead charred twisted landscape growing ever darker, fuelled by grief and sadness. Troye felt a hand on his shoulder followed by Nephie's words

"There is someone here to see you" and a blinding light filled the area returning life to the before dead scene, a figure stepped out and Troye's face was one of shock and delight.

"Papa? Is it really you?" His voice cracking as the figure nodded and Troye leaped into the arms of the man he had missed for so many years.

"Oh Troye," the man mumbled into his sobbing sons hair.

"It's good to see you again David" Nephie stated with a slightly flirtatious tone and David laughed his arms still secured around his son,

"Now now Nephthys, I may be interested in both boys and girls but my love is for only one man. But I will say it is good to see you again." Troye having set himself back on the ground looked a bit confused

"You two know each other?" Then adding in a quieter slightly confused tone "I kind of thought she was a construct of my imagination." David chuckled fondly throwing his arm around his son.

"This is Nephthys mother of Anubis and guardian of the dead. She escorted my soul to Elysium after the accident." Troye looked confused "you see there is no one god or area for the dead, no single religion. It's all combined. You get sent to where you believe in your religion or where you are judged to belong." Troye looked slightly bewildered before shaking it off

"It's so good to see you papa." He smiled "you haven't changed at all.

"And you certainly have changed! How are Josh and your brother?" Troye shrugged

"As well as they can be I guess" he rubbed the toe of his sneaker though the really regrown grass avoiding the eyes of the two people before him.

David sighed "now we're getting to the real reason I'm here." His face settled into one of fatherly concern "why did you do it Troye?"

"I don't know! I-I don't know. I had a bloody brilliant life, more than many people and I knew not to take it for granted. But gradually it seemed that everything in life, forgive the weird explanation but it's the only way I can think to explain it, was like I started to lose both my sense of taste and my ability to feel full and everything just started tasting like mashed potatoes. Nothing was satisfying, and I tried everything but eventually I just started to lose hope, my future looked no brighter than a heap of mashed potatoes. You may think that is only one little thing. I could keep living my life, but let me tell you when it is the only thing you can think of when you wake up when you go to bed and during the day, when it torments you with things that threaten to break your mind and way of life and makes you want to stay in bed rather than get up and have to deal with everything you eat everything you do being swamped by mashed fucking potato you don't want to bother with the effort of trying to keep going and seeing the optimistic side of things and let me tell you it's a dark dark horrible place to be when you feel worthless all the time and your mind, the thing your supposed to trust to keep you alive is tormenting you with the possibility that no one cares and all your doing is taking up space. Then having to drag yourself through life dragging that crushing weight of depression and sadness all the while keeping on a mask and playing the clown to keep anyone from finding out, you're going to crack just like I did, the last two years of trying to get myself together the only way I could feel, if I was lucky halfway human, was by slicing my skin to ribbons but even that outlet failed me eventually the cuts got too deep. I said goodbye to everyone I loved in a way that wouldn't disrupt them too much and here I am. Where many people end up and others wish to end up and escape their lives or minds" He paused just for a second to wipe the tears that had sneaked out and regain the ability to speak "but honestly, I wouldn't wish seeing what it does to the people who care for you on anyone." David broke down gathering Troye into his arms

"What are you going to do?" Questioned Nephie but David shooed her away

"We need some time." She nodded and backed away

"Troye, teddy." Troye smiled slightly at the nickname his papa gave him when he was little. "After seeing what's happened to only some of the massive amount of people who love and care for you I think we both know there is only one option." It was silent for a while before Troye mumbled something barely intelligible "pardon teddy?"

"I said, can you come back with me?" Troye desperately asked and David smiled sadly

"I've been gone too long for it to be reasonable for me to come back alive and well I'm sorry, but rest assured I will be waiting here for the day you arrive in your needed time." They sat in silence. "Are you going to go back?" Troye rocked on the balls of his feet sighing before saying

"It's going to be hard and the little voice will still be there to drag me down but I think they need me too much and I'm going to get help instead of hiding behind a mask." David smiled and the two hugged. "I'm going to miss you so much papa."

"Me too teddy" Nephie was walking back over

"You might want to hurry, your body hasn't been responding to treatment and their going to take you off life support soon."

David hugged him one last time both crying

"You can do it, they might not think you can pull through and your mind might not think you can make it through but prove them wrong my little teddy, you can do it" they let go of each other David walking back towards the light yelling out a final "I'll always be with you" before vanishing.

"I'm ready, take me back please Nephie."

She smiled "a brave and wise decision my young friend." The park faded away one final time and was replaced by a hospital bed, Troyes body laying there with arms wrapped in bandages and life support machine beeping.

"Thank you so much for everything." They hugged and just before she disappeared she replied

"It was my pleasure, I'll see you when the time is right" and disappeared

Troye took a deep breath before going over to his body and letting himself become whole again.

He awoke to the beeping of an alarm and doctors and nurses running into the room and in the midst of all the white there was the shape of his family and friends and Troye had never been so happy to see them.


End file.
